Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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