Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
