Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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