I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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