also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just put wine in my tea
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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