I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
