I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I want a musical about memes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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