is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
