if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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