I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
