I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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