Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
