All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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