I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
