Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
