I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
