I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
