New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
