I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
