Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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