none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
