Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
