About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
