walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
