im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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