They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
