sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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