I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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