is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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