His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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