We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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