Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize