i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
