I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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