good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
