Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
