yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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