I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
that is very illegal...i love you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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