i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
