i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
