doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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