oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
