These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
