I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
