"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
