I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
