i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
