Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
