She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
