can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
