Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
