i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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