At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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