Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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