you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
