"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
