i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
